Teachings in Trust, part I

A few weeks ago, as I was lamenting the confusion of romantic relationships aloud to a couple friends, one of them turned to me and said, "Well, if someone is confusing you that much, maybe its a sign that you shouldn't start a relationship with that person." And while I love my friend dearly, I have come to the conclusion that she's sorely mistaken. In this particular instance, I don't think this guy meant in any way, shape, or form to confuse me. But more importantly, when I think about any future relationship I may I have with this guy or anyone else, I don't buy that it will always be easy or clear, and I certainly don't believe that our lack of understanding someone's motivation should stop us from searching for the right answers. I'm sure that when I am in a serious romantic relationship I will have to work hard to love that man the way Christ loves him. On some difficult days, I might have to mentally make the choice to love him for that day. But nothing worth fighting for comes easily, and I think that connecting to others, whether through friendships or relationships, is a worthy cause to which we are all called. Indeed, I used to think that God was the only faithful and trustworthy person in my life, and in a way this is true. God IS the only constant truth in life. But I used this a really sorry excuse to doubt the good in others, whom the Lord has in reality brought into my life to teach me to trust. How many people have I pushed away, believing that they were untrustworthy, who were placed in my life specifically for this purpose? And in the case of this gentleman, I want to learn from my mistakes. I desperately desire to open up to him and trust him because he has earned my trust. God has brought him into my life for many reasons, but one of them is to teach me to have a little faith in people. For once, I think I finally understand this.

In much less important news, I am looking for a dress for a Junior-Senior event in a few weeks. Honestly, how hard should it be to find a green, a-line, sophisticated, inexpensive formal dress (in my size)....? If my search thus far is any indication, it will be impossible. But when your competition is the entire population of female high-schoolers in Lexington looking for their own prom dresses, dress shopping becomes an adventure :)

"The smell of you in every single dream I dream,
I knew when we collided,
you're the one I have decided who's one of my kind..."

What Happens in Vancouver....

A few minutes ago, I heard an Olympics commentator say (about a luger), “Just look at those long German arms. Aren’t they just beautiful?!?” Hehe. Oh, the things you hear on TV.

So for some reason, I have been thinking about chivalry lately. I realize that I am a sucker for chivalrous men. Now before everyone starts burning their bras, I’d like to explain myself. I love men. I love that they can lift heavy things. I love that they smell manly. I even love that their humor is sometimes akin to a 3-year-old's. And I love being able to look pretty, and cook yummy treats, and keep things tidy. You see, it’s not that I can’t open doors for myself or twist the lids off my own stubborn jars. I very well could. But I like that men are around to help with these sorts of things. And the fact that I don’t need their help, but that they choose to help me out in these ways out of the goodness of their hearts, makes chivalry a little more meaningful. They aren’t chivalrous because I’m weak and powerless, but rather because they are showing appreciation to me. So I don’t mind letting a man offer to change the oil in my car as long as I can bake him cookies to thank him!

It is also Valentine's Day. Yuck. Too commercial. But thankfully, God is still teaching me a lot through a holiday (I believe) has lost it's true meaning. There have been countless moments in my life where I have been absolutely humbled and appalled by Jesus' sacrifice for me on the cross. But I think I had it in my head that, when Jesus took on our sin and was separated from God, God was absent and couldn't even look upon Jesus (due to the sin He' d taken on). The more I read and study, however, I'm learning that I'm probably wrong. I imagine any father who sends his son to take the blame for crimes he didn't commit would be heartbroken. I imagine he would ache for his son. I imagine he wouldn't be able to look at his son, not because the son sinned, but because it hurts the father too much to see the son suffering. And now I feel Christ's sacrifice so much more richly, because it would have easy for God to look on us and blame us for His Son's pain (as we are guilty of this). But somehow He doesn't. He looks down on us in love. Even when I mess up, which is all the time, I am still covered in grace. I knew all of this, but it's good to be reminded, especially on Valentine's Day. And I don't think they make a Hallmark card for that.

'We should get jerseys 'cause we make a good team,

but yours would look better than mine 'cause you're outta my league..."

Now I'm Free Fallin'

Someday, when I find a nice young man who I can convince to put up with me for the rest of my life, I will get married on a day exactly like today has been. I woke up to find a beautiful white layer of snow quilting my path to the library. Call me crazy, but I don't care. I want a cold, wintery wedding. Oh yes.

So now I sit enveloped by books on Hippocrates at my almost-favorite table in the library. My Tetley tea is hot and prepared just the way I like it (milk, no sugar). Overall, life is good. My Haitian babies have a few supplies, at least enough to hold them until we can send a team down in a couple weeks. I have been so busy with worry for them and schoolwork that the past weeks have flown by.

God is doing a magnificent new work in me. I am continuing to learn more about His joy through my heartache, but it's as if something new is being birthed in my heart. I am beginning to feel a strong restlessness to go to Asia. And it doesn't feel like anything I've experienced before. I mean, I've always wanted to travel to Africa and China and India and Haiti and countless other places. But my heart feels like it's literally being pulled to China right now, like it wants to burst out and board a plane on its own. It's a strange (almost physical) sensation. I am also being called by God to trust Him more now than ever before, which is already so difficult for me. He's asking me to get out of my comfort zone by going to a new place after graduation, a place where I have only a few contacts and where I will truly be on my own. He's asking me to trust that a relationship (that may or may not be forthcoming) with someone will work out to His perfection. Indeed, I'm trying my hardest to be patient and allow this fellow to pursue me, not the other way around. In all, I'm terrified and exhilarated by this upcoming season of my life. I can't wait to see where I'm being led. Goodbye, Wilmore.....Hello Portland!

"She's a good girl, loves her momma, loves Jesus, and America too..."

I left my heart in Haiti

I'm heartbroken. I wish with every cell of my body that I could be in Haiti with the kids. Since the earthquake, people have come up to me to tell me how sorry they are and to ask if I've heard any news. The trouble is, nothing I say can express the scope of my worry and the pain I feel in my heart. I worry because Meola has been hungry for 5 days. I worry that David doesn't have a secure place to sleep tonight. And I have other worries, too. I pray that Jonas will be able to attend his classes sooner rather than later, and that Johnny comes back from the university safely, and that Chrispin will be able to make it to Haiti and get to the orphanage very quickly. I worry because just over a week ago, I skyped with all my Haitian babies. I saw their faces and heard their words. I promised them I would try to visit them soon. Gabieson shouted " I enjoy you!" through the computer screen and Sonson piped up in the background that he wanted me to come see him in March. I didn't realize that a week later I would be praying for these people to somehow find enough food and water to sustain all of them, plus the 40 new orphans that have sought haven with them.

Please be in prayer for them. I wish I could say more about how I'm feeling, but the best way to describe it might be how I imagine a mother would feel knowing that her children were in danger. I cannot fathom a mother's love, but if it anything like the fierce, overwhelming need to be with them and shelter them and fight to the death for them that I feel now, then I can see a slight reflection of the power of a mother's love. And even more powerfully, I rest in the fact that my Heavenly Father loves them even more fiercely than I do and truly did fight for them to the death. And I feel a little more reassured that food and water will come, and that David will rest safely with the rest of them. That schools and homes and lives will be rebuilt. That I will make it down to see them soon.

Updates from a New Year

Last night, I took a walk in the snow. It was gorgeous...the kind of snow that glitters as it meanders slowly to the ground. If it wasn't so cold, I would have sat in a snow drift as the flakes buried me in joy. But alas, I was too numb to stay out for longer than 15 minutes.

This past Christmas was both the hardest and the most joyful I've ever experienced. My time at home was so relaxing and rejuvenating. And Urbana was amazing...God opened my eyes to becoming the incarnation in the most difficult places in the world. I'm really excited to serve somewhere...anywhere. God is moving in China and Africa and India and South America. And I want to go to them all :) This break was countered only slightly by some of the scariest news I've ever received: that a mole I had removed contained cancerous cells. I'm going to be fine, but it will be a couple weeks before I know that it is all gone and that I'm completely healed. And to think that I almost didn't go to the doctor to have it looked at...God is so good to me, even when I have no idea of how He's working!

And now I am headed into my last semester of undergrad. Time flies, but I hope that this doesn't fly too fast...there's still so much for me to learn! I'm only slightly less socially awkward than when I started :)

"I think I figured it out
We need to be together
Like the shore and the sea..."

A taste of that yet to come...

It is a gray day today in Wisconsin. It seems to be the perfect setting to stay in eating turkey, sipping hot cranberry tea, and playing some Christmas music. I wonder what the next year will bring, and I am excited and terrified all at once at the possibilities. Short-term, the next few weeks are probably my favorite time of the year. I will bake cathedral windows and cookies. There will be parties to attend, hats and mittens to wear, snow to play in, and a few traditional movies to watch. I will sing "Santa Baby" at the top of my lungs whenever I want and don a ridiculous paper crown at Christmas dinner (as is the British custom). I will eat one (understand me, ONLY one) piece of Christmas pudding, and I will spend at least one evening laying on my bed watching the lights twinkle in my room.

And if anyone by the name of Josh Spicer ever reads this:
For the next three weeks, I hope you blast Tchaichovsky every night without avail!

Ode to Season III

I have always loved my birthday. But it's not for the typical reasons. I actually dislike getting gifts, and I prefer a good pie to birthday cake any day. In fact, the sole reason I love my birthday is because of the autumn season in which it falls. I love autumn. Everywhere I go, I can taste the sweet spicy odor of the new season. Pumpkin pie. Crunchy leaf piles. Chunky hand-knit scarves. It is the season of quiet expectation, expectation that a new year is just around the corner and that Christmas is coming. There is something about the autumn that soothes my soul and reminds me that things must die before new life can flourish. It reminds me of my need to die to myself as God prepares to mold me and give me a renewed life.

In this spirit, I'd like to confess something I have discovered about myself. I have always been a very loyal person. When I learn to love someone, I love them deeply and wholeheartedly. And when I say "learn to love someone", I mean it takes a lot for me to open up to someone. I don't love readily, and I'm working on this. But more importantly, a wound to my friend hurts me more than a wound to myself. I don't mean this in a spirit of martyrdom; instead, I often struggle with judging other people based on their damaging words to a friend. And while there is a place for righteous anger, I pray that I will not let anyone's past actions taint my image of them. For now, I'm mourning with those who are mourning. And truly, that's all that the Lord asks of me.

"Get up, get out, get away from these liars.
They don't get your soul or your fire.
Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine
And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time."